HOLY MOTHERFUCK ITS BEEN A YEAR

Well shit, here I am, drawn back into my little black hole of internet tube-space. I'm not going to do what I usually do after a long hiatus and try to shittily recap a whole fucking year. I'll just start into a recent experience I had.

Spring break '08. My friends are all headed to such awesome, exotic, and warm locales such as Acapulco, Florida, and Warmfuckingplace, USA.

I take a Greyhound Bus to OKC.

Why a bus? I now ask myself the same question.

As I wait at the bus station, a sense of dread looms over me as the minutes go by. 10 minutes late, 20 minutes late, 30 minutes late. Finally the bus shows up about 45 minutes late. This irritates me, as I'm already due to arrive at 2:30 in the fucking morning. This is killing any chance of drinking I may have.

I get on the bus and me and three others are presented with quite the perplexing paradox. The bus is full. Not like just someone in every seat, but full to the point where I have to fucking stand on the bus for forty-fucking-five minutes. I did not fucking pay to stand on some shitty ass bus full of people who smell like they haven't showered since the year I was born.

This old motherfucker is driving, and I guess in retard bus driver training school because his even older and more bitter trainer is sitting behind him. This asshole is taking up three seats, one with his old wrinkled ass, one with some papers, and one with a briefcase. He refuses to let any of the four people standing up to take his precious spots. I had mace. This is the first time I wanted to use it. Even after people yelled at him to move his "crusty ass" he refused.

Thus began my journey.

I stood up on the bus for forty five minutes, and arrived in DSM. After a layover, I got back on the bus with an actual seat. As the bus filled up, I noticed something.

You know how whenever you are in a group of seats in a public area? Say a movie theater, a bus, an airplane, a concert, whatever. There are always one or two people that you just do NOT want to sit by you. The bus is full of these people. Basically you're fucked either way. Will you get the old wannabe hippie who hasn't used deodorant since 50? Will you get the ex-convict child molester? Will you get the giant fatass hick with the gross, scraggly black ponytail whose sweatstained red walmart tshirt barely covers his gigantic fatass stomach?

Guess which one I got.

So Captain Whitetrash sits next to me. I immediately notice the sour smell of old celery emanating from this mountain of Walmart supported flesh. I get pissed.

So approximately 10 minutes from a stop in MO, our bus starts to make some slightly odd noises. Our bus ran out of gas. I sit there next to Sgt. Ponytail unable to comprehend this situation. I figured that checking the fucking gas gauge was pretty much lesson one on how to drive a fucking bus. And apparently the older fucker next to him was unable to teach this lesson either. We stop on the side of the road and the drivers basically run off the bus, not saying a word to anyone. We sit there, in the unairconditioned bus and wait for gas. For an hour and a half. Celery smell turns to old ball sweat in gym shorts smell. I have a thing about smell, so pretty much the bus turned into hell at this point, complete with my own sweaty demon from Arkansas.

After the bus gets moving again and I'm staring blankly out at boring ass midwestern US of A, Mr. Fatfuck falls asleep and starts snoring. He then proceeds to sleep on my shoulder. This mass of sweaty ball fat is already crossing my seat line of demarcation and I'm already pressed against the window, so I push him off. He then pushes me like it was all my fault he passed out from lack of fry grease and gives me a dirty look. I pray for a bus crash.

Waiting in line for a changeover in the Kansas City terminal, I get in line midway through because I was a reboarder. Some kid with a rubix cube insists that I pay attention to his cubings. Apparently I wandered in front of some wannabe thug, who says to me, "Can ah AXE you a question?"
"What?" I reply, not really understanding what the fuck this new sack of shit is saying.
"AH SAID, can ah AXE you a question?"
"Sure."
"Do you fink ahm standin ere fo mah heaof?" He slurs.
"WHAT?" I say, again not knowing what the fuck he is saying.
"AH SAID DO you fink ahm standin ere fo mah heaof?"
"Um, no?"
"Den whay are you ahead ov me?"
I'm just tired and pissed waiting for this guy to get an inch closer so I can mace him. I finally make a hugely sarcastic bow and say "Go riiiight ahead."

This guy doesn't know how the bus system works, because I get my seat anyway. He gets eventually kicked out of three seats by white people who were here before him, which I'm sure pissed him off and made me happy.

Annyoing rubix cube kid sits next to me and asks me such intellectual music questions such as "Have you heard of the song Carry on my Wayward Son?" and seems genuinely impressed that I know the songs he heard on Guitar Hero. He then throws me a curveball and says, "Here, listen to this. I bet you haven't heard this!" He puts on Foo Fighters. I sigh and put my own headphones on and pretend to go to sleep.

Eventually I arrive in OKC, an hour and a half late, and sober. The week was fun.

Then I had to get on the bus again.

This time it wasn't as bad, as I was lucky and smart enough to trick people into leaving me alone. Always sit on the outside near the aisle, always put your shit in the other seat, and always pretend that you're asleep. People don't bother to ask you to move. And frown a lot.

The only problem I had on the ride back was these two fatass people in front of me. First it started with a kiss on the lips. Then machine gun kissing on the lips. Soon enough these people are tounge deep in each others fat greaseportals for an hour and a half. All I can hear over my music is these fucking people making out. It's only like 10 30 at this point. Everyone is awake. But these fucking idiot McDonaldssacks can't keep their tongues out of each other for four fucking hours.

God Damn.

I finally get back to Ames. My brother is not in Ames. I call the cab company and they do not take plastic. I smoke a cigarette, annoyed, and start to walk towards home which is five miles away. I walk along, cold as fuck and praying some killer isn't going to flay me alive because I'm too fucking exhausted to do anything about it, and finally just call the cab company to drive me to an ATM.

14 hours after getting on the bus again, I get home and crash in someone else's room because my door is locked. Fucking perfect.


I fucking hate the bus.

Twenty FUCKING One

I'm 21, I have been for a bit, but I'm just writing about it. It's odd getting into that mindset that I can order drinks anywhere, go to the bars, carry around beer without running or hiding it in a coat, and knowing that if I go to a party and the cops come, I really don't give a flying fuck.


It's nice.

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I'm Losing My Mind

I've been sitting here over break watching enough fucking MTV to effectively rot my brain, but instead of the weird dumbing down that occurs to everyone else who watches this shit, I'm just starting to randomly yell and flip off the tv.

Keep in mind I'm the only one here.


I need a fucking hobby.

Hearts, Stars, Horseshoes, Clovers, and Blue Moons, Pots' o Gold and Rainbows, and me Red Balloons

I figured I needed a slightly more optomistic title since the last one.

In other news, there is another non-trad student in my Bio class that may actually be more annoying than the Creighton one. I don't really want to write about her now though, I'm waiting till I have more notes, I'll give you a quote though.

After asking the teacher to look at her test because of a mistake, then being wrong anyway, "Oh well, it's still an A"

.....



Anyone who knows me personally can pretty much imagine the face I made when I heard that.

Another Fucking Stupid Girl Propaganda Bullshit List of Dumbass Think-Vomit

So I'm cruising the groups on facebook, and I randomly come across this group titled "Things Girls Wish Guys Knew." I click on it, thinking it's another one of those stupid "sappy ass random shit" lists, but lo and behold, I come across the following list.

While reading it, I steadily got more and more irritated. What kind of fucking high and mighty airheaded moron with the biggest sense of entitlement seen since Heidi from "The Hills" sits down and writes this? I can just see a group of rich ass fake tits for graduation "Daddy bought me a Benzo" girls with too much makeup on sitting around and thinking off all this shit, just so they can send it out to their friends with their Sidekicks and continue to think that our side of the race should cater to their every whim and manipulation.

Think about it when you read this list. And as per usual, I'll be tearing it apart step by step.

THINGS GIRLS WISH GUYS KNEW

1. Don't ever lie to us, we will find out.
-Oh really, because from my experience, you don't.

2. Girls are petty. Get over it.
-What the fuck does this have to do with anything? I know a shitload of not pretty girls. I would have to say that definately more than half of the girl population is "not pretty" to "what the fuck?"
3. You don't have PMS so don't act like you know what it's like
-So fucking what? I don't have to have the ability to have it to know that it turns some people into nonsensical rageoholics that would be better off locked in a closet for a week.

4. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
-Actually, for the most part, this is true. Same goes for people who take huge ice creams.

5. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

6. Be spontaneous. Dinner and a movie gets old.
-Who the hell said that it's always up to me to be spontaneous and exciting and what the fuck ever else. Do your part. As TJ says "Where's my blowjob in the middle of a car ride?"

7. We are drama queens. Never forget that.
-How the hell am I supposed to forget it? It's kind of hard to forget about girls running around bitching and moaning because some other girl "looked at ma man"

8. We absolutely do not care about trucks, paintball, hunting, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
-I don't really care about that shit either and never forget that I don't give a shit about Orlando Bloom, Prada, or what celebrity urinated in public this week.

9. Shave! No matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we hate it. We like clean-cut men.
-Now I don't have any facial hair, but are you speaking for the ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION?

10. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
-Different strokes for different folks man.

11. Size does matter
-Now you're just being a bitch, and for always bitching about how superficial guys are, at least for most of us your bra size doesn't matter.

12. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
-She's also your sister.

13. No matter what you say, your friends are idiots.
-Umm, fuck you. I think that pretty much sums up my point on this one.
14. If we slap you, you deserved it.

15. We don't want to pay. Be a man, throw down the cash.
-Wait a second. Fuck that shit. You want the right to vote AND you want me to pay for all your shit? Most of my friends that are girls make just as much money if not more than me, but because I have a dick, it's my obligationto pay. Bullshit at its finest.

16. There are no signs on us that say "Stare at my boobs/butt" or "Grope me, I want it."
-Obviously. But I've definately had my fair share of girls come up to me and grind. Is there a sign that says "Grind your ass on my crotch?" No. But I'm glad you did it anyway.

17. Don't ask for a Guys Night then bitch about Girls Night.
-Fair enough.

18. Our friends know EVERYTHING. If we say we didn't tell about your little "problem"...we're lying.
-Oh, this bullshit again. A while ago, you were telling me that we aren't allowed to lie, but you just fucking told me that you can. I'm not playing the game if you're making the rules.

19. We compare you to our ex-boyfriends...and always tell you that you're the "best" .
-I'm just getting more pissed with this.

20. Don't expect us to look like Pamela Anderson if you don't look like Brad Pitt.
-Pamela Anderson is not what I want my girlfriend to look like.

21. We will think you are gay if you wear tightie whities on a regular basis.
-What the hell does underwear choice have to do with sexual orientation? Shit, I've seen girls MAKE OUT WITH other girls and I don't think they're gay. I wear boxer briefs, so this really doesn't apply to me, but still, this is insane.
22. If you want head, give it.
-Fair enough.

23. Playing the guitar will help you get laid.
-Great, you're just convincing weak minded guys everywhere to play shitty versions of Wonderwall and Crash constantly. Thanks for that.

24. Our Daddy can, and will, kick your ass.
-Umm, great? Shouldn't you not be calling him "Daddy" anymore? Oh wait, if you call him Daddy you get a SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN.

25. We fake it. Yes with you. End of story.
-Oh, well, that's nice, because we don't. And I think I would rather have an orgasm than pretend to have one, so who's the loser here? You.



Fuck this shit.

I Had A Dream Last Night

What would you think if you had a dream where Saddam Hussein was talking to you in British English and telling you to blow shit up, then had to run away from a tank that was trying to crush you throughout a suburban neighborhood?

I still have no idea.